For a long time I had been living with this paranoia that I would be adulting bareback and when I pull out to finish, attached to the tip of my penis is someone else’s used condom. If you know me personally, you already know I'm a delusional bastard and this is by no means a stretch of any kind. Now, as real as my paranoia was, it was only that. I didn't truly think it would ever happen, so we can imagine my panic when my fingers were buried inches deep in previously uncharted vaginal territory and my middle finger snagged onto what I genuinely believed to be a fucking condom...
Historically, with procreation aside, of course, the beautifully intricate and vitally important instrument most commonly known as the vagina, was created to vacate various bodily fluids and apart from freaky ass ho’s (judgement-free zone, ladies), who insert empty wine bottles and bananas in their lady oasis, I only really thought that place of entry was reserved for disposable menstrual products and female condoms. Boy was I fucking wrong and well, I found out the hard way, as I usually do with these types of things...
I had just moved into a new place and my buddies, Mojo, Emmet P, Japaddy and Ricky, come over for a few drinks the first night before heading to the Hideout. This place was always packed elbow to penis with women and has generally always been kind to me. Let me tell you that I proooomise I'm not anything special by any stretch of the imagination, but I picked up more box there than I did working as a professional mover. Some places just simplify it and The Hideout was one of them. Within seconds of walking in, my hormones have taken ownership of me and were running this evenings events; I am jerking my neck left and right like an excited puppy entering a dog park - “WHO SAID CAT? OHHHH. NEW PUPPY. COME PLAY. IS THAT A STICK. DID SOMEONE SAY TREAT. I’M GONNA HUMP YOUR LEG.” Seriously, The Humane Society would clean up with the amount of stray pussy here.
Alas, since women fucking terrify me as much as they excite me, Mojo and I grab a couple of drinks so I can lube up my confidence enough to brave the stressful undertaking that speaking to women with your mouth is. Talk to them moderately sober? What're-ya fuckin' nuts, kid?! We head to the pool table because Mojo is obsessed with pool and we try playing a game, but since I have trouble focusing on a good day, my wildly ADHD, horn-dog brain isn't allowing me to play and me and Mojo are more or less ogling in disbelief at the talent pool swimming around us. The boss downstairs is obviously the first to notice and is getting antsy...
(Liam the 1st) "Motherfucker, shoot your shot already! I'm not talking about pool either... Seriously dawg, let's get these women moister than toilettes!"
I silence him for a little while longer anyway and me and Mojo finally get a rhythm going in pool. Not long into our game, I am bending over to take my shot when I get poked in the ass and fall flat on the table. It’s not a graceful poke, it’s a fucking full-body-thrust poke. Thinking it has to be Emmet P, I turn around with my hand cocked and say, "dude, I fucking--" but to my beautiful dismay, I see a modern-day Sandy D from the movie Grease. Her face is uncontrollably spasming and I’m not sure if she is smiling and winking, or if she had too many Vodka Red Bulls and Rockstar lines of coke. She’s wearing bone-tight, black leather pants and a mesh halter top, leaving an agreeable opening for a little bit of friendly, neighborhood cleavage - that never hurt a soul. I admirably look her up and down in disgust. She is fucking breathtaking and I will have my unborn children swimming inside of her by nights end. This I am sure.
(Liam) “Yo Sandy, what the eff, dawg. You fucked up my shot!”
(Sandy) “Let's hope you don't fuck up this shot...”
*Pants currently elevating at the crotch and Liam the 1st is singing:* "I WANT TO BREAK FREE-EEEEE."
(Liam) “You cleeeaaarly don't know me. I'm sure I'll find a way, but in the meantime you can buy me a drink. Mojo, play for me, pal.”
(Mojo) “Dude, I’m playing you.”
(Liam) “Exactly. So, if I somehow win, you’d suck even more than you already do and that would be fucking embarrassing, Moj.”
(Mojo) “Dude, that doesn't even make any sense and yo, typical fucking Liam, thinking with his penis. This was supposed to be our night!” He is yelling as me and Sandy are walking away.
We get to the bar and order a drink and shot each. We take our shot and as she slams the shot glass on the bar, she moves to within private part handshaking distance of me. Her eyes are doing all the speaking for her as she gives me the classic, *I-wanna-disappoint-my-emotionally-distant-dad-by-having-unprotected-sex-with-this-cute-stranger-while-he-spanks-me-pulls-my-hair-and-I-call-HIM-daddy* eyes. Normally when I catch these increeeeedibly specific eyes, it’s when a girl is slyly taking a sip of her drink and thinks she is hiding them. Man, I catch them every time, no sense in being coy about it, ladies. Sandy, however, had no belief in shame and an agenda to adhere to. Who the fuck am I to deny her these sexual compulsions anyway? After burning the contacts off my corneas from her intense staring, she nose-dives into my face and we start going at it. I pick her up and prop her on the bar and after fully anticipating a cheer from the packed bar like in the movies, I instead get told by the bartender that she better get her ass off the bar before we get kicked out. Talk about fucking anti-climactic. I help her down from the bar and we head back to the pool table and see Mojo talking to a girl wearing a cat headband and goes by the name "Kitty." She was really going for it, man. Gotta respect the cut of her jib.
Sandy is on a time-crunch and being one efficient young entrepreneur, she tells me that we are going back to her place. So, like any dumb dude desperate to get laid, I quickly toss Mojo my keys and tell him to christen my litter with Kitty and grab my phone to call a cab so quick that I'm juggling my phone with both hands and struggling to contain my excitement.
BOOOOOOBIES!
She grabs my phone and tells me not to worry about it, she already covered it for us. How the--how the fuck? I didn't even see her on her phone. Shit's impressive, man. Is this her thing... Like does she have a town car outside with a gentleman name Jeeves chauffeuring her around town as she picks up dudes? We get in the cab and she hops on me. As we're making out, I can't help but be inspired by this woman's valiant effort when it comes to achieving mastery in the art of getting laid. I stop kissing her and am nearly blushing as I desperately fight back tears and stare at her in complete admiration - she successfully picked me up and got me in a cab within 30 minutes of meeting me. Add 7 minutes for the drive to her place and another minute and half to Sandy having a complete strangers penis inside her vagina. Total it up and you have 38 and a half minutes of pure, hormonal efficiency - suddenly I fucking love math.
(Liam the 1st) "Dick = In Vagina Squared. Let's fucking party, my dude!"
Okay, yeah, she could have literally not spoken a single word and just motioned for me to follow her home in seconds, but she had an angle that she stuck to and I respect that kind of sexual entrepreneurship.
We get to Sandy’s place and she makes a dash for her ensuite bathroom as women tend to always do immediately. Sandy has various "artwork" plastered all over her bedroom walls. I hesitate to call it artwork because they look like blind children’s finger paintings. Picture Picasso paintings… if he was blackout drunk, high on acid and a quadriplegic, so he was using his mouth to paint. I get closer to the paintings and see her full name at the bottom corner of all of them. This is brilliant. Even if I'm about to laid, I can't in good conscience let this comedic opportunity slide by me and I giddily await for her to come out of the bathroom. She finally comes out fresh as a daisy...
(Liam) “These are super cool paintings! How long have you taught preschool for?”
(Sandy) “Excuuuuse me?”
(Liam) “These children’s paintings on your walls. They are v cute.”
(Sandy) “Umm no, I painted them. I'm am an artist. I go to OCAD.”
OCAD is the largest and most comprehensive art school in Canada, so this only adds to my giddiness.
(Liam) “Ahhh, I wasn’t aware Finger Painting 101 was a course. Are you excited to learn how to name and describe common shapes?! Oooh oooh, the one that goes around like this is called a circle!” I say unbelievably condescendingly like I’m speaking to a child.
(Sandy) “Hey asshole! These are incredibly detailed and complicated pieces of work, I’m proud of them!”
(Liam) “Yeah, so are my shits after a long night of binge drinking and 7-11 taquitos… You don't see me throwing my shit up on my bedroom walls though...”
(Sandy) “You know. It’s a real shame your mom didn’t take a Plan B the day after she fucked your dad and unluckily conceived you. Do you wanna leave!?”
Fuck, this girl is fucking hot. I must be one with vagina immediately.
(Liam) “Hey! I tried to abort myself 3 months in, I have claustrophobia!”
I have her almost smiling again. We look at each other in silence and unless she was pregnant and her water just broke, she was so turned on that I could see the complete saturation leaking through her pants. I hop on her and we are ravaging each other like fucking spotted hyenas in the peak of mating season. She rips her pants off and I quickly tear off her panties for her. And just like when you take your wet clothes out of the washing machine too quickly, I catch a couple drops of liquid to the face.
She's on her back now and I'm fingering her like Jack Johnson at a beach party. It’s a pretty standard vagina, ya know; soaking wet, fleshy, two fingers fitting comfortably, condom... condom, CONDOM---WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! My middle finger snags on to something that certainly is not a natural part of the female anatomy. WHAT THE FUCK! IS THIS!? IS THIS!? My middle and index finger are lying paralyzed inside of Sandy and I'm not sure if it's out of shock or curiosity, but as soon as I have life in my hand again, I pull the inanimate object out of her pussy, quickly jump off her and the bed and slip as I throw the object on the floor a few feet away from me.
(Sandy) “What the fuck is wrong with you! OW”?! She snaps!!!
(Liam) “Did I just, is that. Did I pull a used rubber out of your ducky? What the FUCK is that?”
(Sandy) "What the fuck are you talking about? Can you give that back to me now?!?"
I'm terrified to look at it.
Whatever the fuck it is.
It is lying lifeless on the ground.
(Liam) "Was that a used condom in your VAGINA!?!?"
(Sandy) “No, you fucking idiot! That's my NuvaRing!”
(Liam) “What the fuck is a move a ring and why is it living inside of your pussy?!”
(Sandy) “A NuvaRing! And it is like birth control. It prevents me from having mistakes with fucking idiots like you.” Now she’s talking to me unbelievably condescendingly like she’s talking to a child.
Quick side note: Truth is Sandy was right. Contraceptives were designed to protect all women from me. Actually, not only all women but the human race as a collective. There should be a picture of my stupid fucking grinning mug on the front of every package with the description: "Preventing the world from being a significantly more brainless place since 2001."
Seriously, it would help sales in a huge way. @NuvaRing, have your people call my people.
So, since I had never heard of this before, I pick up this NuvaRing and start examining it. It looks like the circular top part of the condom, without the rest of the pouch. I am fidgeting this very flexible circular vaginal ring with with my thumb and index finger like it’s a small stress ball.
(Sandy) “Would you stop playing with it and just give it back to me?! It’s not a fucking toy!”
(Liam) “Oh, sorry. I think it’s caauuute!”
I fling it at her like an elastic band and she places it on her nightstand. She then grabs a condom from the drawer on her bedside table.
(Sandy) “Now you have to rubber YOUR ducky, fucking moron.”
(Liam) *Like a child* “Awwwwweee, do I hasss toooo?!” As I'm stomping my feet.
We bump ducky’s and after I finish, I slip the condom off while still inside of her and try to slyly stuff it in. She smacks my hand and throws the condom at me as fresh juices spray all over the bed. She clearly didn’t think it was as funny as I did. What?! Given the circumstances I thought it was genius...
I get back to my place the next morning and Mojo is lying on my bed in defeat.
(Liam) "Haha! Yo man, are you okay?”
(Mojo) “Dude, I brought Kitty back and was blasting music and we were hooking up, when some old Chinese prophet-looking guy comes in and he freeeeeaks out at us. He thought I was you! He kept asking if I was you! I'm like dude, Liam is white! He then kicked Kitty out of the litter! She had to leave!”
Mojo had met the landlord before me.
(Liam) “Haha it’s like your dad kicking out a girl in high school, man.”
(Mojo) “Mannnn. My dad would’ve fist-bumped me and had pancakes ready for us the next morning!"
I have sexual paranoia - yes, it’s a condition that I completely made up right now and self-diagnosed myself with. Listen, I am by no means a conventionally “intelligent” person and the fact that I legitimately thought Sandy had a used condom inside her vagina only solidifies this notion of mine.
Hideout Epilogue: I head back to the Hideout the following weekend with two hilarious Irish fuckups, Marc and Mick. Marc gets thrown out after impressively passing out in a chair that was literally two feet away from the stage, where live music was being screamed at a ridiculously high volume.
Me and Mick go downstairs to the washroom stall to powder our noses and as we're walking in, I see a cutie working at coat-check which was beside the washrooms. I already know this isn't going to end well. So, afterwards as me and Mick start walking back upstairs, Liam the 1st stops me dead in my tracks. Stupid penis.
(Liam the 1st) “No, no, no. Bitch, you ain’t going nowhere. We’re gonna be on that cutie like a fuckin’ genital wart on DiCaprio!”
I walk over to her and instantly notice that she looks identical to Haley from the TV show Modern Family. She probably gets it all the time and doesn't need some obnoxious dude fucked on blow to tell her, buuuut since I'm higher than Snoop Dogg on an airplane, I NEED TO TELL HER WHO SHE LOOKS LIKE AND I NEED TO TELL HER RIGHT NOW.
I am speaking at a country mile a minute, “AHHHHHHHH!!!YoulooklikethatchickfromModernFamilyAHHHHHHHH!!!” I yell in her face with what sounds like one choppy word..
(Haley) “And you look like a sexy maaaaaaaayyyyyynnn.” It truly was that drawn-out, too. I am in the furthest place away from sexy right now though, as I actively attempt to eat my chin and had forgotten how to blink. Honestly, my eyes were so bulgy that they were separate from the rest of my body.
HOW DO I FUCKING BLINK!?
(Liam) “Can I step in? I need to operate the obligatory throat check, miss Coat Check.” (Is what I would have said if I was a much smarter person. There’s no way I said anything close to that. I was way too fucking high to be clever enough to think of a rhyme scheme such as this.
(What I probably said) “You’re fucking hot as shit, can I come in so we can make out AND I CAN RUB MY PENIS ON YOUR BUM BUM OR WWHHAATT? WEFBJWKEWKEJNFHBFPOOOOOOOP!”
(Haley) “Okay, but we have to be carefulll.” She whispers.
She opens the door and lets me in. Careful we were not, as a manager comes down and catches us making out right away.
(Liam) “Dude, I can't find my jacket! I was helping her look for my jacket. Please don’t fire her JKESBFUEWKSBFMYJACKET!”
(Manager) “You mean the one you’re wearing?”
(Liam) “Found it VTTTTTTTTTTT!” I run out before I have a chance to get thrown out.
Mick heads home and I meet up with Marc and we go back to back to my place. My phone rings at 3am and it's Haley, I totally forgot that in the midst of coke-talking about myself and how I'm going to change the world, I had given her my number. Haley was fucking flying on Molly and very accurately begins saying she loves the way the corners of my lips curl upward after I tell an inappropriate joke. I think she was trying to say that she likes my smile but in her fucked-up state, couldn’t find the word and instead was playing incidental charades and very impressively described what a smile was without actually saying the word. Fucking mind-boggling. She was trying to come over and I was laughing too hard to tell her where I lived, so Marc grabs my phone and tells her my address. She was ultimately too fucked up to ever find my place and never showed.
That was my last time at The Hideout and it’s since changed locations. I'm sure they miss the shit outta me...
- - -
Don’t forget this if you're using condoms: rip it, grip it, tip it, spread it, dip it and flip it! (Only rip the wrapper.)
’Til next time, keep it real,
Liam xxx
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