"I drop my pants and fuck me, man, all that's visible are my testicles. My penis is so small it looks like a child lounging on a fucking Bean Bag Sofa. It goes three shades of red and is actively trying to suffocate himself in my scrotum as the seconds pass. Dr. K looks down and back up at me flashing me a look of deep sympathy like I'm a child whose dog ran away. She straps her surgical gloves on and as the latex snaps against her wrist like in the movies, this shit just became real. I have to take my shot though, I just have to. So while she is pulling the foreskin of my penis back with her index finger and thumb I say: “Is this considered foreplay?”
Look, walking into a clinic or a hospital is fucking terrifying, everyone can relate to that. Every time I walk into one, it makes me question my mortality, because there is nothing more unsettling and real than being that close to death. I’ve luckily never had any serious health issues and besides almost slicing my thumb off with a butcher's knife and being millimetres away from severing my radial artery from punching a window in, I've been relatively lucky dodging death. Fuck, we all have our guardian angels and by virtue of my unbridled stupidity, I've gotten so close to mine that I can tell you their favourite sexual position.
Whenever I'm nervous or in an uncomfortable situation and after having my first of multiple anxiety attacks, I embrace the environment I'm in, say fuck it and choose to have fun instead. Sure I make jokes at unsuitable times, but I can turn almost any situation into a party, because what is life if you can’t have a fucking blast and entertain people? So, anytime I go to the doctor’s, I make a show of it. My thoughts are if I can’t turn an STD check-up or a colonoscopy into a show, then I'm not living life true to myself. Here are my two favourite stories of my experiences with doctors:
(1) Trying to Pick up a Doctor During a Visit:
I'll never forget the first time I had sex bareback: SEX IS THIS GOOD?! WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER USE A PIECE OF LATEX THAT DEPRIVES YOU OF THIS KIND OF PLEASURE?! Well, you fucking idiot, Liam. I'll give you a shortlist of reasons:
-Herpes.
-HIV/AIDS.
-Gonnorhea.
-Unplanned children with a girl whose name you forgot.
But guys, going back to using condoms after not using them is like moving out of a mansion in Beverly Hills, to a crack shack in the slums of Baltimore. I love my Beverly Hills mansion, so lemme live my life of justified naivety for a little while longer, k?
I used to be terrified to get checked out because the reality of knowing I have something was always scarier than not knowing, but since I constantly roll that proverbial dice, I started getting regular checkups. They never get easier and I spend the following week waiting for my results sweating like Floyd Mayweather publicly reading off of a teleprompter. Whether it is a male or female doctor, I always have these intense feelings of inadequacy each for a different reason - with a male doctor, my deep insecurities treat it as a pissing contest. With a female doctor, well, exposing my genitalia to a female who I am not about to sleep with makes me extremely nervous and "Liam the 1st" shrivels up and could easily be mistaken for the belly button :
(Liam the 1st) “Fuck you, dude! Excuse me for getting nervous while a health professional inspects me closely for diseases. If I ain't smashin', I get insecure and melt. What of it?"
I had gotten out of a 2-year relationship a year before and spent the last year making up for those sexually forfeited years by spreading more seed than the gardeners at Central Park. When one day I think I see something on my penis that very well could be a beauty mark, but since I'm a sexual hypochondriac, I always assume the worst and activate the paranoia button. In either case, it was time to adult and find a new penis doctor. I find one just down the street from my place and after doing 4 laps around the building, I finally open the door and step inside.
As I wait in the examination room, I am in full panic mode and start rubbing my penis over my pants to enlarge it, but still making sure to not get too handsy, as I don’t want to take my pants off and cock-smack the doctor in the face with my raging erection. I'm expecting a 60-year old little Asian doctor to tend to me, so when "Dr. K," a hot 30's something female walks in, I'm devastated and getting second thoughts on having her look at my penis in a nonsexual way. Fuck this shit, man, I can't go through with this:
Dr. K: Hello! I'm Dr. K, what can I help ya with?"
Liam: Uhhh, I uh, my glaaands are swooollen??
Dr. K: "Arrrre you sure about that? Your lymph nodes?"
Liam: Yeah, I, uh, yeah. They are..."
She begins rubbing my throat and neck and examining my glands. My heart is now pounding and I have a choice to make; am I going to have her look at my now excuse for a grown man’s penis as it has now all but melted, and eliminate any chance of me ever having sexual relations with a hot doctor, or am I going to walk away and hold on to any dignity that I still have?
Of course, I take my chances, she's a hot doctor after all! She notices there isn't anything wrong with me, besides maybe my brain, and says:
Dr. K: "Well, your glands are perfectly fine!"
Liam: “Oh, perfect."
Dr. K: "Anything else I can help ya with?"
Liam: "Well, since I have you here, could you uhhh look at my, my penis?”
Had she been drinking something, she would have spit it out all over the room. She is in complete disbelief. I dunno, man, I’m a fucking idiot when I’m nervous.
Dr. K: “Umm, you want an STI checkup? I don’t need to look at your penis to do that. We can get a urine and blood sample… Unless you have something that may be concerning forrr yooouuu?”
Liam: “I uh, no, no. Just want to be safe is all. Well, I might have something for you.” Something for you?! Oh, Liam, you dumb, hopeless fuck.
Dr. K who is sitting on the operating bed gets up and smacks me on the leg:
Dr. K: “Okay, drop your pants, mister.”
I drop my pants and fuck me, man, all that's visible are my testicles. My penis is so small it looks like a child lounging on a fucking Bean Bag Sofa. He goes three shades of red and is actively trying to suffocate himself in my scrotum. Dr. K looks down and back up at me flashing me a look of sympathy like I'm a child whose dog ran away. She straps her surgical gloves on and as the latex snaps against her wrist like in the movies, this shit just became real. I have to take my shot though, I just have to. So, while she is pulling the foreskin of my penis back with her index finger and thumb I say:
Liam: “Is this considered foreplay?”
Dr. K: “Oh my God!!”
She is laughing and flashing her light on my genitalia like a detective cautiously going from room to room in the house of a crime scene.
Dr. K “That is just a beauty mark or a freckle on your penis, it's nothing of concern. You're free to live another day!”
Penis?! It wasn’t even a penis at this stage, it was a useless piece of fucking fleshy awkward-looking foreskin. I have to address the ironic elephant in the room though and as I'm pulling my pants up I say:
Liam: “I swear it is usually bigger..."
Dr. K: OH MY GOD.”
Liam: I am sorry, I just get nervous during these things and I tell inappropriate jokes when I am nervous.”
Dr. K: “It’s quite okay haha. You’re funny.”
Liam: “So, listen, has a guy ever asked you out after you checked his penis for venereal diseases, or am I gonna be the first?”
Dr. K: “Haha yes, I have, but I will do you one better. I had a guy get an erection as I was checking him out… Thennnn he asked for my number.”
Liam: “Now you’re married to him?"
Dr. K: “No, no haha. I told him I was married, and also, we aren’t allowed to date patients.”
Liam: “That’s too bad. Was he well endowed?”
She gives me a look of “Meh” and starts laughing. With the state of what could be confused as a skin tag attached to the edge of my testicles, I have no business laughing at her comment and my face goes beet-red. Yes, only now my face has gone red:
Liam: “Which STDs aren’t curable?”
Dr. K: “Well, AIDS, but it’s not common unless you’re a junkie or a sex worker.”
Liam: “Well, I hate needles and I have never fucked a hooker.”
Dr. K: “That is good. Hey, make sure you don’t sleep with one in Vegas. Vegas escorts are known for carrying syphilis.”
Liam: “You say it like it’s some type of lethal weapon! ‘Watch out for those Vegas escorts, they carry around syphilis and aren’t scared to use it!’”
Dr. K: “It is true! I treated a young guy, about your age, who contracted syphilis from a Vegas escort. It was bad, but we caught it early, so it was treatable.”
Liam: “I thought syphilis was like a medieval STD, that hasn’t been around in centuries.”
Dr. K: “It’s made a comeback! There was an outbreak recently in Thunder Bay.”
Liam: “I’ll make sure to wear condoms in T-Bay and hey, you don’t get enough credit, saving all these penis’s, you know that? You’re like a superhero.”
Dr. K: ”Haha, tell my husband! Okok, let’s get some samples. Follow me, funny man.”
We're by the receptionist desk and she hands me a jar:
Dr. K: “Fill this up halfway please.”
Liam: “With semen? Are you providing the dirty magazine?”
A cute girl in the waiting area about 10 feet away is laughing and looking at me in shock. I flash her the shrug emoji.
Doctor K laughs, looks at my report and says:
Dr. K: “Ohhh, you’re from BC, that’s why you’re so funny. Why are you in Ontario? Go home!!”
The tests and the potential date both come back negative. I still can't believe I was hitting on a doctor while she was looking at my fucking thimble for diseases. You know what though? AS badly as I wanted to fuck Dr. K, I just wanted to grab iced cream and have a deep conversation with her about life. She was cool as shit, man. I am going to have unprotected sex with more strangers just so I have an excuse to see my pal again.
(2) Front Row Seat to My Butthole:
Hemorrhoids are a bitch, man, a real pain in the ass. An itchy and bleeding rectum is something I 10/10 do not recommend to anybody and if you've ever had them, you already know. Since they were minor, I had to get a half-assed colonoscopy and I mean that literally, they only went half in - It’s called a partial colonoscopy, or a sigmoidoscopy. On the morning of the procedure, you have to perform an enema on yourself, which if you're unfamiliar, is an injection of fluid into the lower bowel by way of... yes, the asshole.
I get a prescription for the enema and head down to the Shoppers Drug Mart to pick it up:
Liam: "I uh, I'm here to pick *ahem* this up." I slide her the prescription and look around in paranoia like I'm slipping money to a drug dealer for my rock in a sketchy alleyway.
Pharmacist: "Do you know how to use this, Mr. Peters??"
DO I KNOW HOW TO STICK A TUBE UP MY ASSHOLE AND FLUSH OUT MY SMALL INTESTINE, DEFILING ME OF MY ENTIRE BEING INCLUDING MY SOUL?! I fucking hate you so much right now...
Liam: "Oh yes, I sure do."
I head home and get straight to work. On the label of the enema kit is the instructions, which is more or less just an animated blue man holding a bottle up his pooper in two different sexual positions:
Folded Missionary.
Doggystyle.
Ahhh, the world is my oyster right now. I choose Doggystyle because it seems less intimate. I am on my hands and knees, squeezing a bottle inside my most personal of holes as the liquid oozes out of me and onto the back of my legs. I go through half of a bottle with hardly any getting into the designated opening. So, I try position number 2. I am now lying on my back on the ice-cold tile floor desperately squeezing this liquid inside of me and it feels like my spirit is drowning from within me as tears stream down my face and I hyperventilate. I get to the end of the bottle and patiently wait for it to serve its only purpose... It only takes a few minutes to hit and when it does, it's like that scene in The Dark Knight, when Heath Ledger's Joker is walking through the hospital hallway and clicks the remote bomb detonator. The rooms blow up one by one and by the time he gets outside of the building, the windows are shattering and debris and pieces of concrete from the building are flying through the air.
This goes on for about 30-40 minutes off and on. My roommate is home and hears me screaming bloody murder and as I'm quite literally shitting myself, he comes up to my bathroom door:
Roommate: “You alright?! Struggling in there?!”
Liam: “Ohh, I’m great, just RAPING AND SHITTING MYSELF!”
That was just round 1. Round 2 a few hours later is much of the same and when I'm done, I lay on the toilet in silence with my head hung in between my knees covered in sweat and tears.
A few hours later I get to the hospital and as I'm waiting in the massive line-up I'm looking around at the other soldiers around me. I'm giving them head nods of admiration and empathy like we just went to war together and are preparing for the final battle. Getting violated by the enema mere hours ago is like a bond we all share and this colonoscopy is the final battle of taking down the evil dictator. Except I guarantee I'm the only one here with this thought process, as most of the people here are 2-3 times my age and are physically and/or mentally already lying in a casket.
I get to the front of the line and am taken to a waiting room, where I put a hospital gown on, lie down on a stretcher and a nurse's assistant wheels me to the hallway and to the operating room. On the way there, I'm trying to high-five my comrades as I'm passing them by, but for some reason, they don't share the same enthusiasm as I do. Bastards, we've been to war together! The doctor walks in not long after followed by 2 female student doctors and he is grinning from ear to ear. AN EAR-TO-EAR SMILE! This motherfucking ass doctor is brimming with sunshine, butterflies and rainbows and genuinely enjoys his job. I already love this guy:
Dr. G: Hello! How are we today? What can I help you with?!
I could only smile in admiration. To carry that kind of committed enthusiasm when you spend your days up to your elbows in stranger's assholes with a selfie stick looking for diseases and so forth is fucking inspirational. I want to cry. After I snap out of it I say:
Liam: “I uhh, lost a golf ball last week, the last place I remember seeing it was on the couch where I was sitting naked…"
Dr. G: “Ahhh, I golf a lot and can use a few spare balls, I’ll fish it out and clean it up."
And he has a great sense of humour. If he hits the G-Spot, maybe I'll ask him to dinner...
He grabs the tube with which he is about to defile me and just before he inserts it, I say:
Liam: “Hold up, you’re going to stick that selfie stick up my butt?!”
Dr. G: "Haha, something like that, yeah. Do you wanna watch?!"
Before I even have a chance to answer, he wheels the monitor so it's about a foot away from me and flips me on my side away from him. I swivel my head back:
Liam: "Well, I have a front-row seat, so of course I want to see what the inside of my bum looks like. Is this where babies come from? Hey ladies, grab the popcorn and come sit with me, the show is about to start!”
The one student doctor is giggling, the other is in shock and looks absolutely disgusted. Fuck her if she can't take a joke, I'm the one getting sodomized with a video camera by an over-enthusiastic doctor.
Dr. G gets to work and sticks the scope inside me and owww, fuck me in the ass, man, this shit just suddenly got real. I turn to him:
Liam: "Doc G, am I, uhh, am I shitting myself right now?"
Dr. G "Haha no, no! It will feel that way though."
Liam: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WILL?! MOTHERFUCKER, IT DOES!"
I legitimately thought I was shitting myself. I turn back to the screen and compose myself. Imagine being inches away from a 24-inch screen and nearly rubbing your nose in your colon.
The rest of the procedure is much of the same; cracking jokes and making the best of having a man with his arm inside of me, give me a 3D virtual tour of my large intestine, because as I have said, I inadvertently have fun wherever I go. Fuck it. How many people do you know that can turn a colonoscopy into a comedy show? I honestly didn’t think any of my jokes would land and Dr. G was a great sport, so shoutout to that beauty of a man.
I don't ever want to go to the clinic or hospital again, but it's an inevitable part of life and next time I go, I'm sure I'll have a fucking blast. Until then, I'll continue living life recklessly and without fear of consequences.
Laughing at my expense is inexpensive. Keep it real,
Liam xxx
Comments