To say I was a disoriented tourist in the bedroom would be a disastrous understatement. I was constantly lost, bumping into the wrong things and would need to embarrassingly ask for directions. Imagine seeing the confusion in women’s faces as I awkwardly rotate my index finger around their belly button, thinking it was somehow connected to the vagina and a part of foreplay. Hell, if you gave me a labeled 3D diagram of the Female Reproductive System and pointed out exactly where each organ was, in and around your vagina, I would still be wildly confused. I thought the G-Spot was a figure of speech, not an area of increased sensitivity. As for the clitoris? I thought that was the name of the dangly thing hanging in the back of your throat. Fuck me, right? Nah, you wouldn’t have wanted to... Truth be told, it wasn’t even that long ago.
For the gentleman out there: you ever cum agonizingly quick and have a girl say to you, (like she’s talking to a baby) “don’t worry, it’s flattering” just to make you feel better as she wipes away your mucus and tears. It would make me feel better temporarily too and I would be thinking: “she’s right! Boy, are women sure easy to please! I’m totally helping her self-esteem. I am such a greeeeaaaat person, omggggg.”
*Sunshine, butterflies and rainbows*
amirite?
NoOoOpE. There is nothing less flattering or pleasing than being left sexually unsatisfied. But you already know that. I speak from experience on both sides of that proverbial spectrum, by means of more trial and error than one would deem as responsible or reasonable. But we’ll get to that.
Alright, so let me have my moment of justification here... The foreskin contains 20,000 extremely sensitive nerve endings that provide 75% of the penises pleasure. Since I’m not circumcised, I’m putting the blame on my neglectful dad, who decided against finding a butcher to hack off an important piece of his newborn’s manhood, like a damn sausage link. This is my story and I’m sticking to it!!
I always wished I found my virginity after I lost it, so I could redo the whole balls-up catastrophe. But since fuckups occupy a large majority of my life, I wouldn’t get a pass on this one, and it would merely be the first of many sexual fuck-upperies.
I met “Nicole” when she and her dad were staying at the Lynwood Inn--
Oh, sorry. I puked in my mouth and needed a minute...
To call the Lynwood Inn a shithole crack-shack, would be an insult to shithole crack-shacks. Just typing the name made me need to hop in the shower and scrub myself with a loofah full of bleach, and gargle with fucking Clorox. It was the breeding ground for every sexually transmitted disease that ever existed and some new ones that have yet to be named. Just walking in there and breathing, you could easily catch something incurable. If you’re from North Vancouver, you know what I’m talking about and when you’re done laughing, you’re going to need a bleach-bath.
Were Nicole and her dad living at the Lynwood? Were they on vacation? Were they an incestuous Bonnie and Clyde? I couldn’t tell ya, man. It was fucking weird, and we’ll get there. The adventurous rebellion of it all turned me on though.
I hang out with Nicole for a few days. We’re on a walk one afternoon and after breathing in my ear and kissing me on the cheek, she excitedly asks if I want to go to her motel room, because her dad wouldn‘t be there. He’s out syphoning gas or something. I don’t think much of it, thinking maybe she wants to play cards. We get up to her room and are sitting beside each other on her bed, her leg is shaking and she’s staring at me. I’m wondering how many people have been murdered exactly where I am sitting and looking around the room at the colony of cockroaches, that have built entire cities with flourishing economies - is that a father with a top hat and a briefcase going to work? Gotta respect a man who provides for his family.
She has scooted closer and is staring at me smiling. What the fuck is she smiling at?
She suddenly hops on me and we’re making out. I think this might be it, the championship game.
*Hand up* - Put me in, coach!
My now uncomfortably hard, palpitating penis is trying to escape from the prison of my underwear. He’s fed up with being confined to this institutionalized environment. Sure, he may be a dick, but his cellmates are nuts and the last 16 years of captivity has taken a heavy toll and the motherfucker is ready to Shawshank Redemption the fuck out this bitch. Find a nice warm island to live out his remaining days.
I am scared to exhale in fear of spitting out my heart that is beating in my throat. So, I stop kissing her and press my lips together, but start choking on my heartbeat, so I begin carefully breathing through my nose.
(Nicole) “We’re going to have sex!” She says with ease as if it’s a daily fucking task.
How can she be so fucking calm about it?! Like she’s saying: “hey, we’re gonna make dinner.”
Suddenly this shit is fucking real, and I am staring at her like a wounded doe needing its mother.
*Hand up* - Take me off the court, coach! Bench me for the remainder of the season!
(Nicole) “What’s the matter? You have had sex before, right?”
(Liam) “Uh yeah, y-yeah, totally. I-I uh have.”
NO, YOU HAVEN’T! NOT ONLY ARE YOU A VIRGIN, YOU’RE ALSO A LIAR.
She takes my shirt off me.
I feel guilty for lying. I’ve only ever licked a pair of tits.
She takes my shorts off me.
Does she know I am lying?
She takes my boxers off me.
Maybe I should tell her.
I can’t breathe. Get me the hell outta here.
Where the fuck?!
No. No. No
Where the fuck is my boner?
Where the fuck is my d-d-d-ick?
I turn my naked body away from Nicole in shame and am pulling at my penis and I can’t, ugh, I can’t get it up. It’s not even breathing. WHAT THE FUCK. I’ve had a perma-rection for the last 3 years and have been going strong since I was like 7. I have boner-experience! Now that the big game has arrived, I can’t perform. C’mon little guy! Don’t let me down. This is what we’ve practiced for all these years. I’m squeezing at him for dear life.
Nope.
This is the worst day of my life. This is the worst day of my life. This is the worst day of my life.
I hope Nicole isn’t looking at me. I turned my body away from her without saying a word, of course she’s fucking looking at me! Now I am lying here naked, with my back to her, scolding my dick and pulling it like a fucking pinball lever. I feel her burning two holes in the back of my skull, so I swivel my head as slowly as I can until we lock eyes. I am biting my bottom lip and she is holding back laughter.
(Nicole) “Is uh everything alright??”
(Liam) “Yeah, I uh. Well, I uh.”
I am covering my penis with one hand and awkwardly lying on the bed, stretching, and flexing my body like a contortionist, in attempt to hide the fact that I am not hard. Not that I need any assistance in hiding this flaccid, fucking bee stinger, but I can’t take the risk, nonetheless. I’m waving at her with my free hand and saying, “heeyyyy there.”
She jumps on me and we start making out again. I don’t feel any blood flow or even a pulse. This is bad. I finally look down and he’s like a snail curling up in his shell hiding from the rain.
(Doctor) “We’re losing him. Grab the paddles!”
Nicole isn’t fazed in the slightest and gives me a blowjob. Well, this is new.
Focus.
Focus.
Focus, Liam.
I close my eyes and am picturing Shania Twain. Fucking Shania! Pull through, my love!
Nothing. This is bad. This is bad. This is fucking bad.
(Nicole) “I’m gonna put on some music, that might help...”
She puts on Candy Shop, by 50 Cent.
She hops back on top and is grinding me again.
(Doctor) “CLEAR!”
We have life! There’s a pulse and the little fucker is breathing again! It is probably because music relaxes me. I spent years jerking off to smooth jazz and country music on the radio before bed. This is the kind of assistance that I need. Thanks, Fiddy.
I have a 3⁄4 chub and she is giving me a hand-job.
(Nicole) “Ugh, I’m soooo wet.”
Nicole is on the bed and slowly spreads her legs open like a grilled cheese. I shut my eyes. This is too adult. She grabs my hand and sticks my two fingers in her pussy. She is working my hands in and out of her. It feels warm and squishy, and I am picturing my fingers in a pot of stew on the stove. Curiosity quickly transitions back into humiliation, because I don’t know what to do next. Her eyes are closed and I am looking at the TV behind her. Am I doing this right? Is there a proper way? The embarrassment is crippling me and the heat radiating off my face is heating up the entire room. As I stare at the TV, all I can think about is being at home, hiding under a blanket and watching Christmas movies, even though it’s June.
I’m too nervous to look down at where my two fingers are currently residing, so I count to 3 before I do.
1-2-3. I look down at her trembling left thigh.
To buy myself some time, I count the small moles on her inner thigh - 1, 2, 3, 4.
I look at her vagina with my peripheral vision and then back to the moles - 5, 6, 7.
Peripheral vaginal vision. Back to the thigh - 9, 10. Fuck it. Fuck it.
I close my eyes.
Cock my neck to the right.
Open my eyes.
There it fucking is. Standing before me in the flesh. I am making eye contact with my first live vagina and she has life. She has a face and is breathing as the lips quiver back and forth. Wait, are they snickering at me? Even they know I’m a helpless fucking virgin.
Fuck me, is she ever detailed though. All the layers going on are like the inside of a Gobstopper. I can’t look away. Where are my fingers disappearing to? What is behind the vagina?
I look closer. It’s like contour lines on a fucking map. As I am focusing on the prized beast that is living in between her hips, it finally hits me. OH! That is what ‘wet‘ means!! I had heard girls talk about how wet they were in porn, but never knew what it really meant. I thought it was a metaphor for getting turned on or something. She pushes me on the bed and grabs a condom from the bed-side table beside her. She tries to put it on me but is struggling to handle my squirming penis. It’s like trying to grab a fish out of water.
No, no, fucking NO! I am soft again. Motherfucker. I melt quicker than butter in the microwave. Somehow, Nicole manages to get some of the condom on and my penis slips out of her hand. I watch on in slow-motion as it falls flat onto the top of my thigh.
He’s had enough and is playing dead now.
She picks him up, takes the condom off and starts licking around the tip. I can’t look anymore. I lie back down and am staring at the ceiling. She drops my penis back on my thigh.
He is no longer playing dead. He IS dead.
She hates me.
I will never get a boner again. I will never jerk off again. I will never have sex aga- uhhh, I will never have sex. Ever.
Don’t do this to me! I lift my head up and look at my penis, I am so fucking mad at you, dawg. Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me right now?! Do you even give a shit?!”
Nicole picks up the coiled condom and puts it back on me. It’s barely hanging on like a sock on your foot in the middle of the night. I desperately want to tell her that this usually never happens, but since this is my first time, it has never happened, so it isn’t technically a lie. But I can’t open my mouth to even speak, and when I finally do, I can’t remember what to say. I’m drooling and choking on each mumbling syllable coming out of my mouth. She grabs my dick and in a final, aggravated attempt, stuffs the loose condom on with the other. She continues forcefully stuffing it on top like a Christmas stocking that is full to the brim, but you’re destined to get the last couple of gifts in. She is destined to get this thing on, and I am destined to get the fuck out of this room and as far away from this motel as humanly possible. Hell seems like a desirable place.
She hates me.
“Disco Inferno,” by 50 Cent is playing. - “Lil’ mama show me how you move it. Better yet put ya back into it.”
Shut the fuck up, 50!! Stop trolling me, man!
She finally gives up and just sticks the whole mess inside her vagina.
“Do ya thang like they ain’t nothing to it. Shake sha sha shake dat ass girl.”
*As I step inside* “That is one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind.”
HOLY FUCK, it feels like my dick is on fire. It is so hot and slimy. I am 60% charged.
The song ends and “Just a lil bit” starts playing.
*Cue music* “Yeah...Shadyyy, Aftermath. G-Unit.. Unittt. Damn, baby, all I need is a little bi—”
AHHHHHHH!!! No, no, no. Stop. My body is fidgeting back and forth as I try to stop myself from ejaculating, mid-ejaculation. STOP. STOP! With each contraction, my body is spasming involuntarily like an eyelid after too much caffeine. That’s it. My life is over. Does she know? She doesn’t stop in either case.
I made sure to shave and her stubble feels like a prickle bush on my crotch. It’s like sandpaper on sandpaper as she continues to ride me. STOP.
I don’t want her to know that I had already cum, so I’m praying this embarrassment would just fucking end. What do I do? What do I do? What the fuck do I do? Do I follow in pursuit of my penis and play dead?!
My penis flops out of her, as if he needs air or something. He is like a deflated balloon and is staring at me in defeat. He finally speaks up:
(Liam the 2nd) “The fuck, dawg!? ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT. I’m suffocating here! There’s a reason why you’re taught as a child to NOT put a plastic bag on your face. This quick shit is on you, not me! Premature-ejacu-LATE!? No, no. Premature-ejacu-EARLY is more like it. You’re fucking pathetic, you know that?”
She stuffs him back in shutting him up.
I still have my eyes on the ceiling and can hear Nicole yawning and moaning monotonously. I slowly shift my eyes downward and onto the top of her head, but I can’t look at her dead on. I can’t deal with her reaction. I feel my pulse and my heart is racing, he’s trying to get out. Even he is sick of me. A couple more minutes of castration pass by when she tells me she finished. She could not have jumped off me quicker and we lie there in silence.
You know that mega earthquake that is supposed to hit and is an existential risk meant to destroy all of humanity? That could not happen sooner... The rubber that is now hanging off the very tip, looks like a fucking slinky. I could blow on it and it would easily slip off my penis. I just want to shrink into nothing, so she can’t see me anymore. I need to get out of here quicker than I came.
I stay for a couple hours and we play cards. That’s all I wanted to do in the first place! How the fuck did we get here. Who am I now? Who is Liam Michael Laurens Peters?
Her dad walks into the room and they have a roll-around tickle fight on the bed adjacent to hers. I am lying on her bed trying not to watch them but not able to look away. They cuddle afterwards and it’s almost as uncomfortable as the sex itself. I get up to leave and am standing in her doorway, apologizing for overstaying my visit and she says not to apologize, I didn’t overstay my visit. Alright, just close the fucking door, so I can leave plz.
Leaving the musty motel and walking home, I couldn’t shake the disappointment, guilt and shame. It was like I missed the championship winning shot and to add insult to injury, my teammates were going out of their way to shake their heads at me, and even uninvited me to the end of season party at John’s house.
My dad, who I was trying to look for in the bleachers but didn’t make it to the game, is standing by the front door when I get home. I tell him the outcome and he is holding my brother closely and staring at me directly in the eye. He opens the door, motions for me to leave and says:
(Dad) “I have but only one son...”
(Liam) “No daddy, I can do better. I will do better!”
He shuts the door and couldn’t look me in the eye again for two weeks.
Let me chime in with some perspective. I came before Fiddy even finished saying “Just a lil bit” for the first time in the song. Oh, the poetic irony. If you had a horrible first time, I empathize with the pain you endured. I am here for you and I love you.
Like a caught foul ball, I’m out.
Liam xxx.
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