The unique, culminated beauty they possess is only rivalled by their unblemished sex appeal. The elegance of their walk as they nearly promenade with conviction. Their aura, flavour and taste of raw maturity in its purest form. But it’s so much further beyond a surface-level appearance; it’s their confidence in knowing exactly what they want and how to acquire it, a quality most young women aren’t endowed with. I’m talking about the distinguished savoury delicacy, as well as my favourite acronym, the motherfuckin’ MILF.
Most young guys love the idea of that quintessential “MILF.” You know, the one you see in movies or perhaps more specifically, “Stiffler’s mom.” There are 2 main reasons as to why:
1) As much as it’s socially acceptable and completely legal, fucking someone as old as the uterus from which you came, feels so stimulatingly wrong. As humans we enjoy being defiant and are often rebellious by nature, at least I am. And c’mon, things that are deemed wrong are typically the most exciting, amirite?
2) They have more experience thus knowing more sexually.
I say most men love “the idea” because the whole “dude, they know more” isn’t always true and guys that preach this have more than likely never been with a cougar and are full of shit. Sure, with age comes experience and the ability to connect on a more intellectual level, but it doesn’t always come with sexual prowess, man. I’ve been with both incompetent older women and competent younger women.
As you get older you learn how the body works and how men and women respond to different physical and verbal actions in the bedroom. I mean, I had NO idea what the fuck I was doing until at least a few years ago and even then, I was just incredibly experimental and improvised, basically just throwing jizz on the wall and seeing what would stick, learning through trial and LOTS of fucking error. So, it’s one thing to have that knowledge, but entirely different to be secure enough to implement it. You can have all the talent in the world at a certain thing, but if you never showcase it, it’s pointless.
Something was always missing from each MILF experience I had in the past and perhaps it was that my expectations were always set too high. But even though I never had that fairytale, mind-blowing MILF escapade, my love for all women poetically aged, never dissipated a touch. However, last weekend and 16 ‘somewhat’ sexually active years later, it all changed. I even needed a few days to process everything before I could write about it because it felt all too much like a teenage wet dream.
I was chatting with this archaic dame, “Mrs. Robinson,” on the dating app “Hinge.” The way Hinge works is by way of liking or commenting on someone’s photo or bio prompt and if they accept, you fall under their matches, where you can start chatting. She liked one of my photos and then initiated the conversation. We shot the shit for a few days before quickly sexting on WhatsApp. Man, I fucking hate sexting. It’s a waste of sexual energy and I feel like a pent-up high school virgin, but when the girl kicks it off, I can’t control myself and quickly follow suit and have my penis, who’s quite the poet, speak through me. Mrs. Robinson was 54 and I thought sexting with someone who barely knew how to work a Smartphone would be like me trying to send a fax. I wouldn’t even know where to start. But she was good. Really fucking good. Her sexting alone was better than some sex I’ve had. But generally, when I’m sexting with a girl I haven’t had any prior physical contact with, their bark is bigger than their bite and when it comes down to it; they’re awkward, shy and completely incompetent. So after I finished jerking off to her written words, I didn’t seriously take anything she said at face value. C’mon.
We made a plan for her to come over the following night and she even insisted on bringing the wine. To which I told her to bring a bottle of each colour, but leave the panties at home, as it’s a line of defence that only serves as a hindrance. (In actuality, I love panties and was just being a cheeky fucker.) She only started drinking a few years previous, never had a blackout and never been more than slightly buzzed. She had a story and I was excited to crack the shit outta it.
She showed up at 9 PM, wearing a black dress, yellow heels (and no panties I quickly found out.) Her dyed burgundy hair worked well with her leathery, olive complexion. She was pretty, in that overly-sharp facial feature, Sicilian mob-wife kinda way. Her hips that were bursting out of her bone-tight dress were potent enough for a blind man to see. The fiery penis tingles were real, my friends.
She was insanely nervous, it was almost endearing. I quickly cracked open the wine and we got to chatting. Earlier that day, I was telling my roommate that I figured Mrs. Robinson had been married for about 30 years and was recently divorced because she had the cougar claws fully equipped and ready to pounce on her prey. Lo and behold, she tells me she had been with her husband for 35 years, lost her virginity to him and they’d been divorced a year. She only realized that she was a cougar shortly after her divorce.
Mrs. Robinson: “I uhhh met this younger man a few months after my separation and had…. a one nightstand…”
She paused and sort of gasped as you do when you speak about something sacrilegious you’ve done. The self-consciousness in her voice was actually pretty adorable. It was like she was telling me she gets off to clown porn.
She then says she had only been with three men since her divorce and no one as young as me.
How do you do, Mrs. Robinson?
I live on the 21st floor and my place has a view of the bright lights of downtown Vancouver as well as the water. We hadn’t had any real sexual dialogue yet when she notices the balcony.
Mrs. Robinson: “That’s a beautiful view! Can we have sex out there?!”
Liam: “It would be weird if we didn’t!”
It was quickly becoming clear she wanted to experience everything she hadn’t while being married straight out of high school. She completely bypassed her experimental years and was in a sexually conventional marriage. She was saying although they were active, the sex was vanilla. I was ready to bring out the chocolate and maybe even the strawberry to turn this into a Neapolitan affair.
We sit on the couch and she wastes little time going in for the kiss. I struggle to call it a kiss as she was like a dog eating whipped cream out of a Starbucks cup. Most people hate this, but I fucking love when women use a lot of tongue given they don’t have bad breath. I can’t handle a girl who kisses with her mouth shut like it’s grade 7 spin the bottle. She was moaning from the Puppiccino alone like she was being penetrated.
Mrs. Robinson: “You were right when you said your lips would stimulate my entire body. Wowww.”
Liam: “Well, you know the lips have over a million nerve endings and that’s more than any other body part.” (It was a recycled line that I used a couple of weeks before. I’m not proud of it.)
I was rubbing her inner thigh underneath her dress and about two inches away from the Holy Grail when all I feel is condensation leaking down to the couch cushion beneath her. She notices the sudden bump emerging in my jeans and clenches onto the clutch like she was switching gears. She was ready to drive stick.
She begins kissing my neck and ear. Not the lobes, the actual earhole. I had a girl over two Saturdays previous and she was also ingesting my ear wax on the same part of the couch at the same time. I don’t know why that couch evokes unbidden ear-fellating, but fuck me, it’s an amazing feeling. It’s like your brain shuts down. Liam the 1st perks up even more.
Liam the 1st: “Holy sweet mother of ear wax! I didn’t know the ear was a window to my fucking urethra! Crack that shit open, let’s circulate some fresh air and fucking party, dawg!”
Liam: “I’m sorry, he’s excited… Down boy!”
Mrs. Robinson: “Haha. Do you want me to suck on it?”
I didn’t say a word as I ripped my pants off like an excited kid changing into his new pyjamas and she gets down on her knees, beginning the Divine Lickening of 2021. She. Did. Not. Disappoint; it felt like she was gargling each respected testicle, the shaft and the head simultaneously as if she were some sort of Greek Goddess with multiple tongues. She and her tongues begin venturing further south until they arrived at Taint Ln and were getting close to the unchartered territory that is Anus Ave. Her two fingers were running beside her tongue until they surpass it and she begins massaging the anus while still licking the taint. It felt fucking great, but without so much as a warning, her index finger curves and she hooks it INSIDE my asshole like a hook caught in a fish’s mouth. UNINVITED HOUSEGUEST! If this were an American asshole, I could legally shoot you on site.
Completely taken by surprise, my naked body dolphin flips on the couch. I’ve had a few fingers up there in my day and it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, but Mrs. Robinson had long fake fingernails and it’s no exaggeration saying that it FELT like a fucking fish hook.
Liam: “OWW. FUCK!”
Mrs. Robinson: “I’m sorry, I should’ve warned you!”
Liam: “I think you cut my ass!”
She did. She cut my asshole with her cougar claw.
There’s a reason why the anus is a closed-off barrier between the large intestine and the unsolicited cougar claw.
I was sitting there wincing in pain before it eventually passed and we carry on free of booty play. The tonguetress then lays on her back on the ottoman behind her, spreads her legs and starts playing with herself. Until that point, I had the mellow and buttery stylings of Leon Bridges and John Mayer playing on the Bluetooth speaker. But I decided to spice it up and put on Who’s Ya Daddy by Necro. If you don’t know who Necro is, I’m going to give you a few minutes to listen to him…
Hi. Yes, that’s what I put on while I was going down on her.
Mrs. Robinson: “Ohh, dirty dirty music mmmm.”
She cums to this line: “Drippin’ outta your ass, I’ll cum in your drink. Piss in your face, spit in your mouth, fuck what you think.”
This kinda shit doesn’t turn me on in the slightest and I would never R. Kelly a girl, I just thought it would be hilarious to play the raunchiest songs I could find to see her reaction. She LOVED it.
This is where it all shifted from meek to freak. I like to have fun during sex sometimes and push comedic boundaries because why the fuck not.
Liam: “Yeah, baby, who’s your daddy?” (I was saying this to a woman old enough to be my mom.)
Mrs. Robinson: “Mmm you’re my boy.”
Liam: “Yeah, I’m your naughty boy AND your daddy too.”
Mrs. Robinson: “You’re my daddy boy.”
YOU’RE MY DADDY BOY. She called me her daddy boy. Had I not been writing down notes throughout the night, I wouldn’t have believed it either. She gets up, pushes me on the couch and hops on me as I switch the song to Light My Fire. It’s almost as fucked up as Who’s Ya Daddy, but not quite on perverse par. I couldn’t believe that a 54-year-old could love a song with lyrics like, “I like a clean slut. AIDS between your butt will get your spleen cut.” But she was loving it. It’s even funnier too because Necro has a lisp.
Since I knew she was into a little comedic dirty talking, I started it off mild to get a feel for how far I could push it.
Liam: “You like your son, babe?”
Mrs. Robinson: “Mmmm, I do.”
Liam: “Yeah, baby. You like fucking your son?”
Mrs. Robinson: “I don’t have a son, but if he looked like you, I would definitely fuck him.”
Liam: “You love your son’s cock?”
Mrs. Robinson: “Mama loves her son’s pretty cock.”
We decided to fuck on the balcony. I grabbed my phone and speaker and put on a song called Balcony Sex. I sit down on the chair and she sits on me.
Mrs. Robinson: “Mama wants her son’s cock inside her tight pussy.”
These are the next three things that I said as she was riding me:
1) I came from inside you. I wanna go back in.
2) I wanna make you cum, since I made you go, mama!”
3) Why’d you forget to pick me up from Daycare?
We hadn’t spoken about my mom, so she had no idea what I was talking about, but she was visibly getting more turned on at the weird shit I was saying. I couldn’t say any of it with a straight face as I was chuckling the whole time. The best part was that she was taking it very seriously and I had to respect the commitment to the brilliant showmanship she was portraying. Daniel Day-Lewis would have given her a head nod full of admiration.
We go back inside and I put on a song called Kitchen Sex and bend her over my cutlery drawer. R. Kelly has a song about kitchen sex and I’m glad I didn’t put that one on because like I said, I’m really not into peeing on women. The song ends and we dirty up the couch some more. She hops off and starts going down on me and getting close to the chocolate rosebud again when she looks up at me with her seductive eyes.
Mrs. Robinson: “Do you want me to lick your ass, baby?”
Liam: (Like a shy child) “Uhhh, okay…”
Mrs. Robinson: “Wanna bend over for mama?”
I had never had my salad tossed before and I was sexually nervous for the first time in fucking years! I bend over the backrest of the couch when a moment of realization quite fittingly kicks me in the ass… This salad is full of seeds and nuts and just fucking filthy. I mean, I deep-clean it at least once a day in the shower and make sure it’s always sparkly, as I all but fist myself. But there’s nothing quite like the male asshole, it’s the petri dish of the male anatomy and if you don’t thoroughly maintain it throughout the day, it becomes a cesspool of built-up, shut-in moisture and shit particle contamination. There’s a reason why men constantly get itchy assholes. And unless you’re gay, yours is dirty too, pal. Don’t @ me on the subject. (I firmly believe every gay dude has a high in fibre diet and a bidet in their house.)
My entire pubic area is rigorously shaved and/or trimmed, but I didn’t plan on having someone pitch a tongue-tent up my booty hole that evening, so the beast was harrier than a Persian’s eyebrows. I tell her I’ll be right back and book it to my washroom and hop in the sink. Now, I’ve washed my penis in plenty of sinks, but this was the first time I had cleaned my asshole in one. Have you ever washed yours in a sink? It’s not ideal. I was splashing hot water and soap up inside me and was like a child splashing around in a bath. I could hardly see what I was doing too because I left my bathroom light off as I couldn’t handle seeing myself in the mirror. I believe the correct term is “mirroring” and at that moment, I was an asshole, albeit a clean one.
I sprint back to my living room, excited, yet fucking terrified.
Mrs. Robinson: “Bend over the couch and spread your cheeks for me, baby.”
Before I bend over, I search ass licking on Spotify and this podcast pops up: “Eat My Ass – Ebony Goddess Ass Licking Ass Worship.” I need to add that the sultry tone of a sensual black woman talking about sex is almost like ASMR. It’s both sexy and relaxing. I just wanted to beat off and fall asleep.
The podcast started like this, “I love ass licking and ass worship. I also like being on the giving end of toilet play. Nothing is more submissive to me than a white man servicing a black woman’s asshole. If I had a dolla for every time some lovely gent wanted to tongue-fuck my asshole, I’d have a looot of dollars.
Shout-out to the weird-ass Ebony Goddess! Had I not been (metaphorically) shitting myself, I would have laughed my ass off. We’ll get to that.
She brought edible body oil and started massaging it in my anus as I bent over the couch. She begins licking my cheeks that are so hairy, I wouldn’t have been shocked if she accidentally sucked off Mowgli who was swinging strand to strand. THEN CONTACT. Holy sweet fuck, hold the phone lines! At first, it hurt because the oil slightly burnt the cut she made. She was going deeper and deeper until she pretty much had her entire chin up there. I couldn’t handle it!
Liam: “Holy fuck! I think I’m gonna shit myself!”
Mrs. Robinson: “Well yeah, I have my tongue up your bum. That’s what it’s supposed to feel like. Relax, baby.”
I literally thought I was going to shit in her mouth and I couldn’t have treating a woman’s mouth as a toilet on my conscience. You know when you have to shit so bad that you start crowning? And as you’re getting closer and closer to your house, your body tells your mind and it’s over. You know damn well those conniving bastards want what’s worst for you and would love nothing more than for you to shit yourself in public. So they team up and the closer to a toilet you get, the more you have to go. You’re sweating, clenching, waddling, focusing. That’s what it felt like as she was getting deeper inside my being.
I’m bent over the couch, clenching both my face and ass cheeks together as hard as I could while a woman almost as old as my mom was cleaning out my colon like a laxative.
Picture that.
Don’t picture that.
The vulnerability, mixed with the intimacy as she was dressing my salad, made for a firework display of uncontrolled emotions, and I swear had I unclenched either set of cheeks, I would have cried or shit myself. One of my earliest intimate experiences was when I was like 5 or 6. When I had stomach aches as a young kid, my mom would lube up my rectum with Vaseline and insert gravel suppositories. The warmth, mixed with the lubrication followed by the feeling of an object going IN my bum as opposed to out was always such a disturbingly intimate experience as fucking weird as that sounds. Disturbing because it was uncomfortable, but not in a painful way. I remember my entire body feeling like it was initially on fire as the pill struggled to find its way in and as it entered, it was as if my body was floating and I was on another planet. I never questioned it, I always just thought it was a part of life; You get sick. Your mom bends you over and sticks a pill up your butt. You get better. To this day, I think of this every time I get a stomach ache. Except I don’t stick pills up my ass anymore, the mouth suffices. Thanks ma.
Suddenly it was like I was 6-years-old again and when I turned around and saw Mrs. Robinson, it became all too vividly real. After a while though, I was enjoying it and she tried giving me a “Rusty Trombone.” Which is a handjob during analingus. But I had gone soft and all but melted like microwaved butter in the palm of her hand. It was like she was trying to pick up a squirming goldfish out of water.
Mrs. Robinson: “Do you not like it?”
Liam: “No no, I do. It’s just a whole new experience for me. I’m super relaxed.”
Throughout the 4 hours we fucked, the ass licking became as commonplace as kissing. Honestly, the next couple of days, I felt lighter and cleaner. It was like I had a proper colon cleanse. I do have a cut on my anus now though.
I started recording her bathing me with her tongue, beginning with a Winnie the Pooh impression.
Liam the Pooh: “Mmm, oh hello derrr.”
She stopped licking and looked up at me laughing. Then the mother/son dialogue started up again.
Liam: “Am I your sexy son?”
Mrs. Robinson: “You’re my sexy son.”
Liam: “You like sucking your son’s cock?”
Mrs. Robinson: “I love sucking my son’s cock.”
Liam: “I’m recording you and sending them to one friend. It’s gonna be hilarious. Just wait.”
Mrs. Robinson: “Mmm, sexy son.”
My buddy Strazz was doing mushrooms that night, so I wanted to send him the videos over Snapchat as a play-by-play to try and trip him out. This is what he sent me after watching a couple:
Strazz: “I’m so excited for u. Btw sweet dick bro. Porno worthy. Jesus if I wasn’t busy wondering how floors work, I would crank one out to that shit. The walls are being very droll.”
I spoke to him the next day and he said, “Man, I was fucking tripping so hard when you sent me those videos. On one hand, I was so turned on. You were living my fantasy of fucking a MILF and I was like ‘OH. OH. OH.’ It was hot, man. But on the other hand, the floors were moving. It was like watching a porno though. It was like you paid for her. She was doing everything you wanted!”
She was on the couch on her back and I picked up her feet to fuck them. They were so dry that it felt like I was rubbing my penis on a set of cheese graders.
Liam: “OW! It feels like I’m fucking sandpaper!”
Mrs. Robinson: “Heyyy! I knew I should have gotten a pedicure… I’m getting one soon!”
I run to my bathroom, grabbed my moisturizer and was lubing myself up on the sprint back. Light My Fire comes back on. She grabs the edible oil and moisturizes her feet. I start recording again.
Liam: “Oh yeah, work them feets! Stick your big toe up my asshole!” (I did NOT send this one to Strazz and beyond my eyes, it will NEVER see the light of day. These videos are humiliating even for ME.)
After making love to the soles of her feet for a few minutes, I notice my penis burning. I ignore it and it gets worse. I ignore it and it gets worse. Eventually, it felt like my penis was a chestnut roasting on an open fire and I couldn’t take it. FUCK! There aren’t any harmful ingredients in edible oils, but apparently mixing it with Aveeno moisturizer made it feel like I lit the tip with a lighter.
My penis was on fire during light my fire.
If you look at the ingredients to most moisturizers, there’s nothing but absolute shit in them. Ingredients in these products are unpronounceable and equivalent to gasoline. My eyes were burning and bloodshot by the end of the night too. I don’t remember rubbing them after touching my penis, but I must have because I could hardly keep them open they were stinging so badly.
So, we take a 15-minute intermission and I take a shit. My bathroom is around the corner but I left the door open so we could conversate. I come out of the bathroom and we start going at it again. She was blowing me and I stop her before she makes contact with my freshly defecated pooper.
Liam: “Hold up, I just went poop!”
Mrs. Robinson: “I don’t care, baby.”
She ventures downward applies the edible oil and went to town.
Liam: “Does it… taste okay?!”
Mrs. Robinson: “Mmm, it tastes delicious. Tastes like vanilla.”
Liam: “Really? It doesn’t taste like asshole?!”
We were kissing a lot throughout the night and I’m pretty sure I kissed her afterwards. In either case, I made her gargle with my roommate’s mouthwash at some stage later. Which I now realize was totally redundant…
We were counting how many times she came. She was riding me and on number 4 (5 was her record) and I told her we were going to hit double digits if it killed me. As soon as we got to 5, she says, “Fuck, you’re gonna give me a bladder infection. My doctor is gonna be like ‘what the fuck’?”
Liam: “Tell your doctor why, baby.”
Mrs. Robinson: “I’m gonna tell him I was fucking my son hard. My son made me cum 5 times. He’s so fucking hot. His blue fucking piercing blue fucking. OH MY GOD. Fuck your blue eyes. I’m gonna fucking cum! 6. I’m cumming. Those eyes! I wanna jump in that blue ocean.”
She was inches away from my face and squirming so hard that it looked like she was constipated. I’ve never had a girl cum again that quickly. I’ve also never made a girl cum strictly from my eyes and let me be as humble as I can here, as it didn’t take a lot for Mrs. Robinson to release vaginal secretion.
Near the end, I had her bent over and was eating her out from behind when I felt her sphincter compressing. Before I even had a chance to pull my nose out from within it, she hit me with vaginal flatulence. Yes, she queefed in my mouth. On repeat. Her flapping lips making contact with mine sounded like Donald Duck. A queef is just an emission of trapped air in the vagina, so I don’t find it gross or anything and there’s a whole Pornhub category for mouth-queefing, so it’s a fetish and that’s cool. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the queef on its own, buuut inhaling them is not for me.
She had never received a facial before and really wanted one and when I finally came, most of the wild ejaculate ended up in her hair.
Mrs. Robinson: “Fuck, you Something About Mary’d me!”
She texted me the next day and said, “my hair is so soft today, I may need to bottle your cum.”
You should see the notepad on my phone from the night. It’s like three pages of a book long. A few more funny moments from the night:
Dirty talking:
(While riding me) Mrs. Robinson: “I’m so glad my husband cheated or else I wouldn’t have fucked my son.”
(We were making out and I pulled away) “You’re so fucking sexy. You’re so old and leathery… SHIT! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that in a bad way!”
Mrs. Robinson: “HAHA honestly, I don’t care!”
Liam: (Laughing) “Okay baby, I wanna moisturize your skin with shoe polish.”
(Strazz and I made that joke earlier and I decided to try it out. I said it in a chuckling manner and she knew I was joking and was even laughing along with me.)
(When Bruno Mars came on) “I love Bruno Mars! But not like my son. He’s petite. He’s not like my son. All big with blue eyes.”
(While riding me) “Did you just fuck my rib!? Ow, seriously. What the fuck. I think it popped out of place.”
(I was eating her out) “Your pussy is more attractive and tighter than a lot of women in their 20’s.” (It was true.)
We were naked the entire night and never made it to my bedroom, but at one point when I came back from the washroom, she was wearing my boxers and dancing around like a child. It just wasn’t a good look.
Liam: “Why are you wearing my boxers?!”
Mrs. Robinson: “They’re so soft! You might need to wash them again though.”
(Showed her a picture of my dad) “OMG! He’s fucking hot. I want to be taken by the two of you at the same time. Getting fucked by you and your hot 62-year-old dad.”
Liam: “You probably went to high school with him!”
(Showed me a picture of her 2 daughters, 25 and 28) “Can you bring them over, so I can live out my ultimate fantasy!”
Mrs. Robinson: “Ewww, that’s my ultimate nightmare!”
I guess she drew the line at REAL incest…
She called an Uber at about 3:30 AM and I received this message not long after (Verbatim): “Thank you for the most exhilarating evening. You surpassed my wildest expectations. Your sensuality was intoxicating. Thank you for making me feel wanted. What more can a woman ask for !! … oh wait maybe 10 orgasms. You are sexy, sensational, sensual, tender, wild, open and fucking gorgeous. but most of all a kind gentlemen. You made me feel special, comfortable desired and made me laugh. Thank you for taking the time on hinge to talk to me. It opened the door to exoskeleton. Experience I will never forget or want to forget. Tip is next”
I’m showing you this because I was shocked that her most prominent aspect about me was that I was a “gentleman.” She also later texted me saying “I miss your ass.” I have never had a girl miss my booty before.
Denouement: I’ve never had a woman lionize me anywhere CLOSE to the degree as Mrs. Robinson. It was borderline worshipping. All night she was saying, “You’re so gorgeous.” “You’re fucking delicious.” “You’re absolutely beautiful.” “You’re like a mythical God” etc. She had only been with 4 other men, including her 35 year-long marriage and the fact that she was being validated, especially sexually, by a much younger man was all it was and I was happy to make an older lady feel young if only for a night. I finally lived out the MILF fairytale and certainly did NOT take it for granted. And you know what, in a therapeutically perverse way, it was almost a cathartic experience. Where does Liam go from here? Well, I don’t know, but I’m gonna go make a salad in the meantime.
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