If you’re a guy you know the horrors of what I call, The “Uncontrolled Erection.” Or simply, The “U.E.” Not to be confused with The “Uncontrolled Intersection,” but similar to it, where there are no traffic lights, road markings and signs that indicate the right-of-way, The U.E. has no indications and rarely any signs that it’ll happen. Right-of-way? Nah, there ain’t anything fucking right about it. There’s no rhyme nor reason, it just is, man.
Terrifyingly, 1/1 men will experience The U.E. at least once in their lifetime -
Symptoms Include:
- Involuntary swelling of the northern section of the pants (May not be noticeable for the first 30 seconds or so.)
- Disorientation (tf is life rn?)
- Hyperhidrosis (abnormally excessive sweating.)
- Loss of faith or spirituality (is there a God? Does the universe hate my fucking guts?)
Side Effects Include:
- Humiliation and shame (family may disown me.)
- Celibacy (will I ever get laid again?)
- Loss of friends and/or partner (your grandma didn’t give me a boner, I swear!! I have The U.E…)
- Loneliness (try finding a U.E. community in your area.)
*Please consult a health professional if the side effects persist for a lengthy period of time*
Now, The Uncontrolled Erection is known to present itself at wildly inappropriate times and fuck me if I’ve been there more times than I’m proud to admit. Ladies, it’s a real condition that I just made up and is nothing to scoff at. There’s a time and a place for it, sure--during a root canal procedure is NOT one of those times…
Getting an erection has never been a problem for me. Full stop. No amount of cocaine I’ve snorted or whiskey I’ve consumed has ever caused an issue. “Whiskey Dick” and “Coke Dick” just don’t apply to me and not because I’m anything special, but I have ADHD and ironically, one of the benefits is “hyperfocus” and the ability to work diligently to completion when it comes to tasks of enjoyment. The only time I’ve had even a millilitre of blood rush away from my most prized possession was after putting a condom on because my penis automatically rejects latex. It’s like how your body rejects foreign objects… because, well, it’s foreign to me and it’s just the way it is, okay?
It’s losing an erection that is my problem and it is a big fucking problem, man, but I won’t bore you with the details. Call me a delusional fucker, but I dream of a world where either sporadic boners are happily accepted, or I have Erectile Dysfunction. At this time and in the near future, both of these seem wildly improbable.
It takes 4 shot glasses of blood to achieve the average erection and 130 millilitres (about 4.5 ounces) to keep it up, which explains why I’m dizzy all the time… So, cheers to you and I raise my shot glass 4 times. Let’s start from the beginning, friends…
This just happened yesterday and is so fresh, the paint is still wet. It all began with the worst fucking pain of my life: tooth pain. If you’ve ever needed a root canal then you’re wincing right now and I apologize for triggering your P.T.S.D. If you’ve never needed/had one, it’s not the actual procedure itself that is agony, because it’s not that bad. It’s the incredibly debilitating tooth pain you have beforehand. Just imagine getting hit repeatedly in the brain with a sledgehammer, while someone is jackhammering through your tooth and to the nerve with a sewing needle. Shit sucks and it got so bad that I go to the hospital the night before my root canal.
It’s 1 AM and I’m stumbling to the hospital listening to John Mayer’s new song, just trying to get lost in my Mayer fantasy, when I get booty called by a 55-year-old woman on Tinder… I want to add that when an older woman booty calls you, it’s classy and elegant. 'Booty Call' is almost too harsh of a word for them, it’s more of a ‘Graceful Rendez-vous Proposition’. It’s incredibly different than getting the 1 AM sexual summoning by that of a young girl and although they both ultimately want the same thing, they approach it exceedingly differently.
Since I’ve been with 4 of the living generations, let’s compare two booty calls from a couple of those generations:
55-year-old ‘Baby Boomer’: “How are you sunshine? Liam do you want to be spontaneous tonight?” (Actual message.)
22-year-old ‘Generation Z’: “Hay sexy u like up?” “Watsup?”
“Hey so i is drunks n i think ur cute or wat evs n i think we should like chill or sumptin?”
The former is more admirable and the effort doesn’t go unnoticed my aged beauties. This is why I fucking love older women. But alas, the pain, my friends. THE PAIN! So, it was a no-go. I was telling a buddy that the only time I would ever turn down a booty call is if I was in a coma or at the hospital. Or in a coma at the hospital. Without missing a beat, he says:
Buddy: “A philosopher once said that you can’t please a woman if you have a toothache. Nerve pain affects the brain and it’ll be all you can think about, so there’s also that, dude.”
I honestly couldn’t tell if he was fucking with me or not, but it’s undeniably the truth in either case.
I get to the hospital and while in the waiting area the nurse offers me and the two other guys there, "Junky #1" and "Junky #2," egg salad sandwiches:
Liam: “I can’t eat, but do you have any tequila? My tooth is fucking decaying right now, I need to preserve this.”
Nurse: “Haha I wish I did.”
Junky #1, who’s wearing a sick Biggie Smalls sweater with egg salad all over it, turns to Junky #2 and as he is spitting bits of egg everywhere says:
Junky #1: “You know of all the substances that should be banned, it should be water. You never hear of anybody drowning in alcohol!”
Junky #2: “Holy shit, man, it’s true!”
Oh yeah, totally… No one has ever died from choking on their puke…
Liam: “Hallelulah!"
They call my name and the doctor who hasn't a clue on what to do with me, basically just says, "uhh fuck it" and gives me a prescription for Morphine. After leaving the pharmacy and like a skeevy tweaker, I start popping them like damn Tic Tacs but to no avail. They are fun as fuck, but let me tell you when you have all the fun of the high WITHOUT the glory of the pain relief, it’s like drinking copious amounts of water and still being dehydrated or drinking beer and never getting drunk. Morphine is designed to affect different receptors and causes something called “analgesia,” which is the INABILITY to feel pain. Fuck you, Morphine, It feels like I’m lounging on an underwater cloud while fucking Dentist Smurf pries at my tooth with a dental excavator without an anesthetic, all the while laughing maniacally in my face.
The next morning I desperately call my dentist in tears and he gets me in with one of his recommended root canal specialists, “Dr. M” that afternoon. The first session goes standard enough, Dr. M telling me most patients fall asleep during the procedure and laughing at me because my ADHD brain couldn’t stop looking around in curiosity and fidgeting to save my life yada yada yada.
I go in a few days later for round 2 and this is when it gets fun. Dr. M applies the freezing, gets to work and It’s not long before my eyes start getting heavy as the smooth jazz playing in the background helps relax me. Either that or he put a sedative in the “alkaline water” he gave me when I first got here, but I don’t spend too long questioning it. You know when you’re desperately clinging on for dear life to stay awake during a movie, but you can’t, your eyes just keep involuntarily closing? I was at that stage. The pain finally subsides and I’m feeling abnormally warm all over my body, this is fucking great. About a minute passes when I realize why I’m so warm… I spring wide awake when I feel my foreskin rubbing up against my thigh like a push-pop. It’s not a “half-chub-I’m-on-way-to-arousal-town,” but a fucking throbbing high-nooner. It looks like my dick is trying desperately to crawl out of my right pant leg. I look at Dr. M on my right who is hard at work, then to my left at the assistant who is looking in the general direction of my unsolicited stiffy. Luckily there is a tray just above my crotch region with the dental tools, but I can’t tell if it’s blocking my penis or not. The assistant keeps looking in the direction of the anti-climactic beast and then back at me. I swear I even saw her eyebrows raise a couple of times, but it could well have been her trying to keep her glasses off of her nose. She is fucking onto me... She’s not attractive in the traditional sense either, I’m pretty certain she is a former professional Slavic rugby player. I need to get out of this nightmare, so I raise my hand to go to the washroom where I reevaluate my life. I buy some time by taking a dump as that’s what helps me think more than anything, before eventually heading back in where I’m greeted by an excited Dr. M:
Dr. M: “Feel better, Liam?!”
The fuck? What do you know?! Do you think I just jerked it in the washroom?? That wink better be a nervous twitch, my guy… 😉
Liam: “Yes sir, drill away!”
Thankfully, the rest of the procedure is boner-free and we finish up. What?! I don’t control what my penis does, buddy has his own head, thus making his own decisions…
As an impressive finale, Dr. M starts massaging my entire jaw muscle with peppermint and eucalyptus oils, telling me that it relaxes the jaw and will help for a speedy recovery. Listen, I don’t know exactly what you saw, pal, but as amazing as this massage feels and please don’t stop, I simply had a case of The U.E., so no funny bidness, man.
I pick up some essential oils on the way back to my place and head straight to my room. These are my next two Google searches, word-for-word:
1) “Can anesthetic give you erections?” The first article that pops up: “Penile erection at the time of urological surgery is a rare but problematic event which can delay, complicate or even lead to the cancellation of planned surgery. Erection may occur irrespective of the type of anesthetic method employed.”
The fourth article on the search and is a great read: “How surgery gave one man a 48-hour erection|Men’s Health.” Just the title alone is gold, 'GAVE ONE MAN'. I fucking hope there isn't more than one man who has had a 2-day erection. Sounds like it would be quite the documentary.
2) “Nice ass milf." Yes, I put on smooth jazz and got weird with the essential oils.
When I was around 14-15, I would masturbate to smooth jazz on the radio before bed, so maybe smooth jazz is triggering for me… But regardless, fucking U.E, man.
Good luck and be strong out there, fellas.
Liam xxx.
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